POLITICAL: Dizzee Rascal
FOLLOWING ON from my recent article 20 Things Educated Black Britons (EBBs) like, here is a follow-up looking at 20 things EBBs find embarrassing. Without further ado:
1. Fellow EBBs who haven’t quite grasped the concept of satire: see some of the comments under 20 Things Educated Black Britons Like at The Voice Online.
2. Culturally confused white friends: EBBs love white people. But we prefer our white friends, white.
You don’t need to be fluent in ‘road-talk’, act like a new millennium John Shaft or wear FUBU to ‘be down’. Either way, we’ll still love you.
3. Pop-techno rappers as political pundits: This trend probably emerged from seeing the likes of Mos Def on Bill Maher’s show (in the US), leading British TV people to think “wouldn’t it be cool if we got British rappers on political shows over here too.” Sadly Dizzee Rascal and Tinchy Stryder are no Mos Def and Talib Kweli.
4. Having our stories told by other people: perhaps as a result of this, EBBs barely exist in popular culture.
5. The Bonnie Greer/Reginald D Hunter phenomenon: the patently insulting process in which black Britons are needlessly shunned usually in favour of African Americans.
Classic example: Bonnie Greer on the Nick Griffin edition of Question Time. ‘Bloody immigrants, coming here, taking all our jobs...all our women!’
6. Crime ‘n’ Grime movies and TV shows: once upon a time they were great (Kidulthood, Adulthood, Bullet Boy), sometimes they still are (Ill Manors) but usually they are laughably embarrassing (One Day, Anuvahood) or just a wild orgy of vicious stereotypes (Top Boy).
7. Uncle Toms: it is an ugly term but embarrassingly some of us still feel the need to suck-up. Interestingly in the media nowadays they’re described as ‘brave’.
8. David Lammy: ‘brave’, conviction-free pro-Iraq war right-winger and MP for Tottenham. Latest burst of ridiculousness: by his own ordination ‘brother’ Dave helped organise the vigil for Mark Duggan only to refuse to turn up and then spit on those who did by labelling them ‘extremists’ and ‘anarchists’. For more Lammy related jollies check out Silence of the Lammy by Jason Nwansi on You Tube.
9. Lack of African & Caribbean owned businesses: a driving force behind high black unemployment.
10. ‘Road talk’ in high places: you’re in a packed lift full of fellow ‘professionals’ (i.e. white people in suits). The lift is silent but for some reason that brother is so excited to see a fellow black face he feels the need to speak. Fair enough. And then he opens his mouth: “What you saying cuz? Weekend was aiight still fam, looking forward to that holiday, you dun know!” As you don’t want to break his heart you politely respond: “I know what you mean.” As he gets off the lift, he fist-jabs you.
For the rest of the lift ride you don’t dare make eye contact with anyone.
For the rest of the lift ride you don’t dare make eye contact with anyone.
BRAVE: David Lammy
11. ‘Playing the race card’: you’re paid less than your subordinates, your boss conducts your annual review in black-face, a noosed golliwog is left on your chair and then they decide to have a KKK-themed Christmas bash (complete with a mock lynching of you). Yep, this is probably racism. Nevertheless you are just too professional, educated and proud to say so.
In the eyes of modern EBBs (and our white counterparts) calling racism what it is, is a sign of intellectual and emotional weakness.
So EBBs suffer and smile.
In the eyes of modern EBBs (and our white counterparts) calling racism what it is, is a sign of intellectual and emotional weakness.
So EBBs suffer and smile.
12. Being mistaken for ‘The Help’: be it in an office or an upmarket clothing store the smartly dressed EBB often has to correct people that they are not the security guard or the shop assistant.
13. Some back-home cultural practices: EBBs love their cultural identity but some of our back-home cultural practices can occasionally be a source of embarrassment. For example, in certain parts of Africa it is completely normal for two grown-up heterosexual men to hold hands whilst walking together. In Britain, of course, this has very different connotations. So when a cousin comes over and publicly holds your hand (and just won’t let go) whilst going to the shops it becomes an exercise in extreme diplomacy.
14. Being asked where you’re from in a professional setting: subtle allegiance test. Tottenham or Trenchtown? Tread carefully
15. Nationality double standards: when we’re winning the 5000 metre final we’re British.
When we’ve committed a crime – we’re anything but. For example: Mo Farah (born in Somalia) is as British as fish and chips, whilst Michael Adebolajo (born, bred and learnt to behead in Britain) is as Nigerian as jollof rice and moi moi.
When we’ve committed a crime – we’re anything but. For example: Mo Farah (born in Somalia) is as British as fish and chips, whilst Michael Adebolajo (born, bred and learnt to behead in Britain) is as Nigerian as jollof rice and moi moi.
16. Asian domination of black commerce: our brown cousins have black business on lock-down. What would happen if EBBs pooled their money and expertise together to start a chain of black food and cosmetic stores?
17. Having the words ‘attitude’ and ‘aggressive’ attributed to you: racial ‘dog whistles’. Exceptionally effective career killers whether true or false.
18. WorldStarHipHop: the sewer of the internet. Easily the most embarrassing yet popular portrayal of black people since the Black & White Minstrel shows.
19. The absence of a strong and effective black empowerment organisation: if stark illiterate Islamophobic yobs can unite and form an organisation to successfully champion their interests, EBBs have no excuse.
20. Lazy list articles about themselves: enough said!
Nels Abbey | The Voice
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