A beginner's guide to the worldcup: How to look like you know loads about football

If you dont know a lot about football but you still want to join in with all of the excitement that the world cup awards brings us every year, then here are a few tips and tricks from chris (simpsons artist) for you to use for yourself to help you blend in more easily and maybe even make yourself look like a actual footballing expert as well.

as soon as the referee blows on his throat flute to get the football match started make sure you say one of these things:

come on football
kick off
lets get this event started
good luck
i think that we are going to be in for a great game
i hope that our football team gets the points that they require
i am enjoying myself
football


if a player gets a tackle on him shout some of these things as loud as you can:
keep your knees to yourself you italian idiot
put your shorts back on and get up
it is a good job that he has got plastic shin sheets on the bottom of his legs or he would have to be carried home in a wheelchair
this cant be happening
why isnt he moving anymore
great tackle

when a goal is scored take your top off and scream any or all of these things:
brazilio
what a goal
that is the type of strike that i like to see
he striked that one like he was kicking a ball at a prison
brilliant
right off the top of his head
slam dunk
yes
homeward bound
that is 1 point for us
kiss my knee
directly into the net
three men and a little lady
climb onto my back

if there is a penalty kick just say one of these things:
penalty kick
that has got to be a penalty kick
yes
i hope that he doesnt let his family and his country down again like last year

say one of these things if people around you think that it is a free kick:
it is a free kick
nice outfit ref it is a shame about your decision making
what is wrong referee is your throat flute poisoned or something just have a blow on it for once in your life

if there is a throw in try and stay completely calm and say one of these things:
it is a throw in
good throw in
did you see that throw in just then
that is the type of throw in that i like to see
he knows how to handle a ball with his hands that is for sure

when a player goes offside roll your eyes and say:
get back on the pitch
what are you doing

here are some things for you to wear to help you blend in more easily if you are watching the world cup awards at a pub or at your friends house:
sellotape a football flag around your face for a instant football effect

sew a traditional world cup sausage down the middle of your nose so people will think you are the most world cup one of them all when they are having a look at your face

glue some golden glitter beads on to your chin to make your chin look like it is the main part of the world cup award

if you are a dad then why not impress your children and their friends by having a wear of a stylish dads football style crop top that will definitely get you noticed for all of the right reasons
dads can also have a wear of some traditional world cup leggings as well that are sure to finish off any outfit trust me

mens football friendship bracelets dont just look good but they are also a good thing to show off and discuss with other men if you are at a pub or a football themed restaurant

if you run out of football things to say then dont worry just try and stay calm and roll your trousers up around your thighs and slap your legs together and say your own name over and over again because this will give a illusion that you know exactly what is happening in the football match and it will also help to calm yourself down if you are having a panic attack or some sort of fit.

Independent UK